A Note From My Kitchen Floor

As every vote came in on November 3rd, 2020, I had a serious dilemma.

You see, I went and promised to cut one limb off my body with every vote for Trump. But soon enough, I realized that this would be a little implausible. Right as the polls closed, Trump had won Kentucky – 1,330,080 votes.

Yikes. I was promised a blue wave! I considered switching from limbs to cuts. Death by 1,330,0802 cuts. Ok, sure – I can pull that off. Then, West Virginia. Holy shit, that’s another 539,610. The cuts are starting to seem implausible.

Time to switch to electoral votes I guess. What’s that? There are over 500 of those? Jeez, I was promised a blue wave! I thought that AT MOST, I’d be cutting off a pinky…

Well fine, one final compromise. One limb per state won. A fair deal, considering how things are going. So as the night progressed, I got started.

Kentucky, left big toe.
West Virginia, right big toe.
South Carolina, left index toe.
Alabama, right index toe.
Mississippi, left middle toe.
Tennessee, right middle toe.
Oklahoma, left fourth toe.
Arkansas, right fourth toe.

At this point I’m hallucinating. But I couldn’t stop there – I made a promise.

Indiana, left pinky toe.
Louisiana, right pinky toe.

Holy shit, Trump kept getting more states. I was told there would be one vote for Trump this time around – his own! That’s why I made this promise. But I can’t back down. As North Dakota was called for him, I decided to get started on my fingers. I need a better knife for this, so I decided to get up and head over to the kitchen. Clearly, I didn’t think things through. A lack of toes leads to a lack of balance. I fell on my face, and I’ve been here ever since, losing blood. Luckily, I still have the energy to type a note on my phone. Last I heard, Trump won Florida… woe is me!

Guess I’ll just hang out here til the election is called, or til I die. Whichever comes first! 

– 46, 47 Leeches